Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I have some questions about this one. Mostly, is it good? Also, is it too dramatic? Do you think the first half of the third stanza is okay? I'm thinking of changing it, but I haven't decided what I would change it to even if I do. Anyway, the more advice, the better!


She gasps in gusts of damp pine needle air
for breakfast.
She says, reciting on a static loop,
It’s better this way.
This way, she can only taste the Earth,
the soft, sopping, cradling, zero calorie zero fat sky and trees and dirt.
She says that that's enough but her eyes
don't agree.

And she falls,
she crumbles, flutters whenever
an attack of cooking wind blows near her.
Gingerbread houses, she thinks,
and fights to keep her breath from leaving her throat.

She can’t stop her hands from shaking
or her mind.
At night she quivers delicious nightmares.
Her heart wanders dreams to cushiony bread soaked in olive oil
and zesty garlic. Bowls of pink
and chocolate ice cream. Cheese sliced so
thin it melts over her tongue in seconds.

Artichoke Hearts
PeanutButter WhippedCream

She says indulge is the most terrifying word
the one that makes her fists pound,
beat at her mirror.


  1. I think the word "sucks" has vulgar connotations-doesn't fit here-maybe use "inhales"

  2. haha did you seriously just use the word vulgar? :p

    I chose suck because it seems more desperate... I might change it, but I don't think inhale has enough feeling to really work.

  3. and what did you think of it in general? because I'm running on zero hours of sleep, and I wrote that on zero hours of sleep, so it totally could be awful without me even noticing.

  4. 1st half of the 3rd stanza:

    I think it'd be more powerful if it read
    "She can’t stop her hands from shaking.
    She can’t stop her mind from shaking."

    The sometimes makes it too wishy-washy-as if you're not really sure.

    Also, I love the line "BreadSticksFriedDoughFrostingDon’tEvenBotherWithACakeGiveMeASpoon." My fave. :)

    This poem reminds me of a homeless girl who is starving on the streets. It sounds like she's remembering a time when things were better, when she could indulge and sit down with a family to dinner (and have all of this stuff.) :) I like it.

  5. sounds like what your planning on eating when you get back home... is this the list I need to stock up on???

  6. that's not really what it's about at all, mom...
    (or Meg, but that's a wicked valid assumption!!)

    what do you think I could do to improve it?

  7. WOW that was intense. What I got from it is that maybe the girl Gretel? is anorexic and she's dealing with cravings of food or something. Anyway, I thought it was really good but yeah those first two lines in the third stanza are a little weird. just the "She can't stop her hands from shaking or her mind." maybe a cool rhyme would jazz that up? idk <3