Lifetime Movies They Need To Make

I should be packing, but as it happens, procrastinating's one of my talents. Actually, I'm so good at procrastinating that I've almost forgotten how not to procrastinate. Yay me. Anyway, yesterday I decided that watching a bunch of Lifetime movies was infinitely preferable to being productive. Yay me again. It was fun. And it got me thinking about Lifetime movies that I don't think exist (but, I'm not double checking. If they do exist, that obviously just means that I have a very rich future ahead of me making fantastically shitty movies) but should.

Here's what I have so far.

STD School

There's this kid at this school who comes from a broken home. So, in an effort to push away the pain, he starts seeing a lot of prostitutes, and before long (like, after a week or something. Yup. A week sounds good) he's contracted every STD, ever. When he finds this out, he's all like, "I don't want anymore STDS!" and swears off all sex with prostitutes, and starts having sex with his classmates instead. All of them. So, all of the kids in school end up with with every STD ever, too. And the girls all end up pregnant, and some of the boys, too, and when the babies are born, they also all have STDs. And it's a big news story, too. And lessons are learned on every side.

She Was Only Seven-- Ye Olde Lifetimee Speciale

Harken back to the days of olde. The 1800s or something. Before the days of pollution (except for coal. And the tears of small children slaving away in the coal mines), loose women (well, they were killed by Jack the Ripper), and everything else bad, there was the man who started it all. (Ignore the fact that that statement doesn't make sense.) And his niece. Pretty, seven year old Sarah. Her parents are dead. Of Black Plague. Luckily, her uncle takes her in. Unluckily, however, he is also an opium dealer, and he shows her his wicked world. Before long, little Sarah becomes an addict, spending all of her time in opium dens. And drugs aren't her only vice. She also gambles with the Pokemon cards her uncles gets with the opium. And then she dies. Of an excessively sinful life at such a young age. But, her death is a turning point for her uncle, and he vows to never have anything to do with opium or weird little animated things ever again. But then he dies. Of Black Plague. And grief.

Do You Know The Ripper Man?-- Ye Olde Lifetime Speciale

There's this woman, and she actually isn't a prostitute-- I mean, Lifetime never starts out with those types of women-- but she is dressing in more revealing clothes then she would usually. You see, her husband just died-- he choked on his priest collar-- and this is the form her grief has taken. But, when Jack the Ripper sees her wandering the dark London alleyways, he doesn't doesn't know this. So he stabs her. She takes a while to die, but she's conscious throughout. She whispers to Jack the Ripper that she wasn't really a prostitute and, overcome with guilt, he stays with her till the end. As she dies in his arms, they whisper to each other all of their deepest secrets and heartaches. Also, I think Jack the Ripper should be a pirate. So he can thoughtfully mutter, "arrr," whenever the woman says anything particularly deep.

Tell My Mother I Loved Her-- A Lifetime Movie and Ghost Adventures Joint Production

There was once a little girl, but she was killed by some really awful person. Now, she haunts some house by the sea, crying all the time. Because of her, no one ever wants to move there. They hear her ghostly wailing as they check out the house, and then they flee. But now, Zak Bagans is moving in, and he won't rest until he finds out why this little ghost girl is so upset. He threatens other ghosts, takes his steroids, flexes his muscles, gasps over scratches, and calls every female he comes across, "sweetie." And the ghost stops crying, because, really, this is all she ever wanted.

Ian Somerhalder Is Pretty.

The plot of this? Doesn't matter. Ian Somerhalder just needs to be in it. All of it. Because he's pretty.

The Human Centipede. Or, my eyes are never gonna be the same.

I'm not really sure why The Human Centipede is called The Human Centipede. If I had made it, which I wouldn't evereverever anyway, I would have called it, "OH MY GOD HOLY CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK OH SHIT MY EYES." Or something like that. I mean, I think it has a pretty nice ring.

True story, don't watch this movie.

There are no words to describe its horrors. But, know that even a compostable bag of sun chips crackling over and over again in your ears wouldn't be enough to silence what takes place in it. Which means that nothing is. Nothing. Don't watch it.

Watching this movie is being like being some sort of Alaskan fish, slammed out of life by Sarah Palin just as you're about to make it to the safe shores of Russia. It's like never finding Nemo. Like being one of Sid's toys in Toy Story. Like living in a world where everyone is Nigel Thornberry, and Nigel Thornberry is a cannibal. Like dying a hundred million trillion and five times in the worst way possible times a gazillion.

It's like being tortured and having your knee caps and teeth removed, your mouth sewn to some dude's ass, and-- OH WAIT.

Yeah.

The Warlock

So, there’s this movie that you guys all need to see. It’s called, “Warlock,” made in 1989, and it’s even more amazing and terrible than its name suggests.

It deals with three characters: Kassandra-with-a-K, Giles Redferne, and a warlock.

According to IMDB, the warlock doesn’t have a name. He isn’t special enough. You see, Kassandra-with-a-K is wicked special. You can tell because of her name. The writers used the same technique when they named her that Stephenie Meyers used with Bella Swan. You know how Bella’s always like, “Oh my gosh, you guys! Everyone here calls me Isabella! ANGST!” and then when Edward calls her Bella for the first time, she’s all, “Oh my gosh, you guys! HOW DID HE KNOW MY TRUE IDENTITY?” Well, it’s the same deal here, except even more so. Kassandra-with-a-K derives all meaning in life from the fact that her name starts with a K. At least Bella has a couple other aspects to her personality. Like the fact that she’s so super mature that she likes Jane Austen, because obviously no other teenage girl ever likes her. And the fact that she doesn't like rain, and she really really doesn't like snow. Well, with Kassandra-with-a-K, though, the K is all she's got. She is that K-- lives, breathes that K. Someone could walk up to her and be all, like, “HA! I’m gonna call you Cassandra! WITH A C!” And she’d be all, “Noooooooooo.” She'd be devastated. She'd be nothing. It'd be legit.

Except no one in the movie would say legit, because "Warlock" takes place in the 1980s. I don't know what the '80s equivalent would be, but it'd probably be pretty lame.

Anyhoo, here's a synopsis of the first thirty minutes, give or take. You'll probably have to actually watch the movie to find out the rest. My words can't give it adequate justice, anyway.

***

The movie starts out in 17th century Plymouth Plantation. It's supposed to be Boston, but it's totes not. The warlock is locked away in a tower, shackled by his toes. Seriously. My guess is that he has really oddly shaped toes, where the tips are giant and the beginning bits are teeny. Which leads me to wonder why he didn't just use his magic to make his toes normal. Probably, that's just part of the movie's mystery.

Anyway, the warlock's just chillin' in his toe shackles when a bunch of these pilgrim dudes climb up and are all like,"You trafficked with the Divvil! Also, we have, like, scottish-ish accents. Yeah, we don't know why, either."

Then, this dude, Redferne, comes up, and he's wearing a shit ton of furs for some reason, and has this long mullet that probably hadn't been washed in a couple years.

He's totally Scottish and stuff. And he hates the warlock. They're totally enemies. Not even frenemy enemies. Legit enemies. So, they yell at each other for a while, and Redferne tells the pilgrim dudes to keep the toe shackles on the warlock for, like, infinity. But as he says this, the warlock does his magic and in a flurry of graphics probably done on Microsoft Paint, the warlock escapes and it's suddenly 1989 California. Which brings us to Kassandra-with-a-K. Hells yes.

Kassandra-with-a-K has really bad fashion taste and lives with her gay roommate, Chas, who also has a really bad sense in fashion. Kassandra-with-a-K has diabeetus, too. And she doesn't like old people because they walk too slowly and totally take away from the gravitas of her pleather windbreaker, giant globe earrings, and awful driving.

Anyway, Kassandra-with-a-K and Chas are sleeping when, what do you know, the warlock crashes through the window into their house. Even though the warlock's wicked creepy and cult-y looking and, I don't know, just flew through their window, they don't seem to find terribly much odd about this. They even let him sleep in Kassandra-with-a-K's bed. How sweet.

The warlock's awake by next morning, and the roomies are all, "OMG! He's British! That automatically makes him safe and totes awesome! Here, have some tea and crumpets!" But he's really not safe because when he wants Chas' heirloom ring, he totally cuts his finger off to get it. Then, he uses his magic to totally kill Chas. It's gross.

The police come to tell Kassandra-with-a-K all about her poor roomies' death while she's at work, about a half hour later. I'm not really sure how they found out, since Chas and the warlock were the only ones home, and the doors were locked, but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. Maybe the warlock was so wracked with guilt that he had to call them. For his conscience. I mean, it's not possible for a British person, witch or not, to be completely evil, right?

Anyway, the po-po start talking to Kassandra-with-a-K, and there is this little gem of a conversation:

Coppehs: Did [Chas] frequent public parks?

K-with-a-K: He didn't dick little boys from bathroom walls, ok?

Coppehs: You said your roommate was gay.

K-with-a-K: Not queer! Big difference!

There's really not much you can say about that (other than, maybe, holy shit! Homophobia, much????) so I'm just gonna leave that blank.

The next scene takes place in this hippie psychic store, run by this hippie psychic with a man-face and feathered hair. The warlock's there because he wants her to, "channel me a spirit!" And she wants to say no, because it's after hours, but she totally has the hots for this pony-tailed creeper, and agrees. So he tricks her into channeling the Divvil, saying that the Divvil's his daddy.

When the Divvil talks through her, he's all like, "YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, JACK! YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE ISLAND!" and the warlock starts crying and saying, "HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK, DAD?" but then he remembers that his name isn't Jack! It's The Warlock! So, he tells the Divvil that, and the Divvil's all, "My bad, son," and tells him to, "bring together my Bible." Apparently the Bible in question, the Grand Grimoire, is separated into a bunch of pieces, and once they're all brought together it will, "thwart creation itself." Which would really suck, apparently.

Oh, and then the hippie psychic with a man-face and feathered hair dies. It's not particularly sad, really.

Anyway, meanwhile Kassandra-with-a-K is understandably pretty freaked out by everything, so she goes home to pack. And while she's stuffing ugly '80s clothes into her ugly '80s suitcase, she hears glass breaking. (I'm pretty sure that all of the windows in the house are broken by now). This time, at least, though, it is not the warlock. It is Redferne!

Redferne totally thinks that Kassandra-with-a-K is a whore, but that's okay because I think everyone does, what with her silver pleather ensemble and everything. But then he hits her and gets her in a chokehold, which is really just douchey. As he has her in the stranglehold, he's all, "WHERE IS THE WARLOCK, HARLOT!" and she's totally freaking out. But then Redferne explains that the warlock's a warlock, and she's pretty much totally cool with it. Until the warlock comes over to her and utters what is pretty much the worst spell ever written: "Tout, tout. Through and about. Your callow life in dismay. [plus a bunch of latin]"which makes it so that she gets 20 years older each day.

Oh, and Redferne totally gets tazed, bro, by the police and realizes that it's the 1980's.

And the warlock finds a bit of the Grand Grimoire inside the dining room table.

Once Kassandra-with-a-K wakes up at forty-- and she did not age well, believe me-- she busts Redferne out of jail. The two then decide to team together and become a merry duo and stop the evil warlock.