Monday, January 16, 2012


The past two weeks have been really hard, and I have no idea why. My life is good. I enjoy it, seriously, I do. But I don't feel like myself. I feel like someone lost. Like I'm supposed to be somewhere else, someone else. My mind's foggy. I keep losing things and finding them hours later, exactly where I thought I'd left them in the first place. I can't think. I can't even write.

I keep crying. If I see or read or hear anything remotely sad or sweet, I'm fighting back the tears. And if I'm alone, I don't even try to fight them.

I look at myself and I don't know what I see.

I feel like such a failure. I don't know why. I can't put it into words. I just feel like I could be so much better than I am. I could be a better writer. I could be nicer. I could be more worthwhile. I could be a person who deserves to be where I am.

I'm stressed over school, too. That's new to me. I usually never worry about that, even when I procrastinate. And that usually works for me. I got straight As last semester. But this semester I feel like I'm just going to fail everything. And then when I graduate, I'm going to go straight home and never do anything with my life. Never go anywhere, never become anything. Honestly, I'm absolutely terrified of the future.

On the bright side, I did make a pretty cool dress out of newspaper. I guess if I fail at everything else, I can always go into newspaper fashion design.

When I wake up in the morning, I want to wake up as myself, again.


  1. aww hun <3 you're amazing and you're definitely not a failure. If you need to talk, you know Megan and I are always here for you. I think another 4am convo is in order. Much love

  2. Awww I'm just seeing this now. <3 I think this semester is just not as fun in terms of classes we're taking PLUS the fact that it's all going to be over in 4 months.

    I'm sorry you aren't completely sure what is going to happen with your future. That kind of stress sucks. I know, I've been trying to figure it out for myself as well. If I don't get into grad school I'm going to have to scramble to find a place to go and a full time job somewhere.

    I don't think you're a failure. Are you confused? Yes. Are you scared? Hell yes. That's understandable. <3 You still have four months to really solidify and plan out what exactly you want to do and where you're going to go. I know you don't want to go back to living at home, so maybe see if your parents can help you find a place and start job searching in the midwest. You said you had family out there and wanted to live there until you get money for Ireland. Maybe see if you can visit your family out there over Spring Break to really see what it's like and if that is what you really want to do.

    I love you! Try to keep your chin up. Things will work out in the end.

    Also, if you become homeless, at least you'll be a fashionable homeless person with designer newspaper dresses by Ashley DeFelice!

  3. thanks guysssss!

    And it's seattle! not the midwest! haha