Saturday, August 7, 2010

Bear Grylls and the Badass Christmas Cards

I'm giving my two weeks notice tomorrow! Wicked stoked.

I actually don't mind my job that much. It's tedious, uninspiring, and the seconds drag on like hours, but it's better than it was last year, when I worked in the back. And I'm in air conditioning the whole time, which has pretty much been the only thing keeping me sane this summer.

Also, I have this gamething that I play. To keep myself from having a boredom seizure, you know. (And while I think I just made that up, watch it be totally legit). It started out innocently enough. It started out with me imagining how I might possibly survive, were I to suddenly appear on some abandoned island with only the things that the most recent customer bought.

Say someone buys 3 jars of cranberry jelly, 1 box of salt water taffy, 2 beach towels, 1 thing of Hawaiian Tropic Sunscreen SPF 50, and 1 thing of Christmas cards (because we've totally had those since the beginning of July.) I figure, I can probably ration out the food for about a week. Maybe two if the cranberry jelly turns out really nasty. I can use the towels as blankets, and the sunscreen will last me about a month before it runs out and I get skin cancer. The Christmas cards, though? Well, maybe if the jelly is really really really nasty, I can use it as ink and write my memoirs on them. But, you know, that got me to thinking, Bear Grylls would have found a really badass way to use those Christmas cards. Because he's badass. And he named his kid Huckleberry.

So now, whenever I ring up a customer, I think, What would Bear do? It's probably better that way, because before I would always secretly get a bit annoyed when people didn't buy food, or at least something that might help my chances of survival.

Bear would probably fold up those cards into a water bottle,* and it would somehow be one of those environmentally friendly metal ones, because Bear is (probably) all about the environment. And magic. But he wouldn't use the water bottle for water. That's not how he rolls. Basically, he would pee in it. And then drink it. Because that is how he rolls. Also, I think that his pee must have magical properties or something. Maybe it's how he turns his Christmas card water bottle into metal.

*See, I could never do that. One time in fourth grade, we were supposed to make boxes out of paper, and I folded mine wrong. My teacher called me an idiot. And then she asked me if I liked her. Seriously. She was like, "Ashley, you are an idiot. Do you like me?" I was confused.

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